As part of my relationship study and struggles I'd like to reflect on a paper that I wrote regarding Attachment Style and Relationships (2011, May 08).
Part I: The three dimensions of love.
It is my belief that every relationship requires a balance of
security, trust, and commitment. According
to Sternberg’s model of love (1988), love requires a combination of ‘passion,
intimacy, and commitment’ (Bolt, 2004, p. 30).
Love has seven stages that most people shift to throughout a
relationship, these stages consist of the three basic dimensions of love and
four subtypes. The basic dimensions are
passion, which is the infatuation stage of a relationship, intimacy the liking,
and commitment is the promise that each partner makes to the other to remain
together. As the three basic dimensions
of love are combined there is achieved various subtypes of a love relationship:
romantic love, fatuous love, companionate love, and the one everyone strives
for consummate love. Each partner
contributes to these variations in whole or in part during a relationship; how
much of each dimension he or she contributes moves the relationship to the
various stages of love.
To identify any specific type of love relationship will depend on
the mixture of the basic dimensions of love present. As most relationships start, intimacy will be
identified as the liking stage.
According to Bolt (2004), “Intimacy is an essential element of a loving
relationship” it begins slowly and builds through the disclosure reciprocity
effect (p. 36). Plainly stated; the
sharing of intimate details of one’s life, hopes, and dreams. This is not to suggest that relationships cannot
also begin with only passion or commitment.
For passion only relationships, it is known as the infatuation stage,
for commitment only, empty love. When
proximity and contact are maintained passion is added to intimacy to form
romantic love, or combining passion and commitment will provide a fatuous
love. Romantic love is that powerful
yearning to be with someone; causing feelings of profound happiness when
returned or intense grief when not returned.
Fatuous love is considered to be more of an impetuous love, happening
fast and without thought. When intimacy
is combined with commitment a companionate love will form. Not all relationships have passion; but in its
absence, a mutual affection toward each other and commitment keep a
relationship together. Regardless of the
type of commitment that one has (personal, moral, or constraint) relational
satisfaction will vary depending on how the equity invested into the
relationship is perceived.
Finally, the goal that each person strives for is to achieve a
consummate love. A love that has the
three basic dimensions combined: intimacy, passion, and commitment. What makes the consummate love relationship
work is that all the key elements are reciprocated equally. With intimacy and the desires to learn, grow,
and share with each other, continuing to make the fires of passion flame
through touching and play, and the knowledge that each partner is committed to
the longevity of their relationship all combine to form that consummate love
relationship.
Part II: How attachment style affects
types of love relationships.
Attachment styles are a learned trait infants acquire from the
earliest contacts with their parents or caregivers: secure, avoidant, or
anxious. Humans in general are by nature
social creatures; dependent on one another for the fulfillment of their basic
needs of survival, procreation, and social connections (Bolt, 2004). Because infants depend solely on caregivers
to fulfill their basic needs, one of the three attachment styles develops
depending on how the interactions transpire: warm and responsive, cold and
rejecting, or ambivalent and inconsistent.
These interactions greatly affect how children perceive their social
world and form emotional relationships throughout their lifetime. Attachment itself has three key components:
closeness, care, and commitment. Both
infants and adults desire a close physical connection; this allows the bonds of
attachment to be made. According to Bolt
(2004), from closeness and proximity care is developed, “including both comfort
and emotional support” (p. 25). With
extended time in a close, caring, and committed environment a sense of safety
and security develops. Long-term
commitments are critical for developing mature loving relationships as adults.
Determining the type of love relationship an adult will have
directly relates to the type of relationship that was nurtured as a child. From birth, babies instinctually seek out
relationships that are close, caring, and committed whereas an adult seeks out
passion, intimacy, and commitment. Looking
at both child and adult relationship components, they are virtually the same,
except passion not only indicates closeness, but a sexual element that
encourages procreation. Relationship
styles are shaped by one’s parent and partner and directly reflect how well these
components were learned. A child who
received warm and responsive care from his or her parent or caregiver is likely
to develop a secure attachment style and therefore will be open to developing a
secure or consummate love relationship. Feeling
comfortable with close relationships, physical touch, talking intimately with
others, and able to make and receive the commitments necessary for a long-term
relationship. Passion’s created by physical
closeness often will consume the relationship initially. As this closeness increases, intimacy is
developed through the reciprocity of sharing and caring about the partner’s
well-being.
Through time, both short-term and long-term commitments are formed, which leads to a strong healthy relationship. For infants that received a cold, rejecting relationship with their caregivers, an avoidant attachment is gained as an adult. Avoidant attachment can develop into passion, romantic love, and fatuous love, or even companionate love. Avoidant adults are less likely to make the commitments necessary for a long-term relationship; wanting to maintain their own independence. Behaviors of an avoidant adult are very emotional and sex without love is not unusual (Bolt, 2004). Trust issues are also experienced with avoidant adults because of the inconsistency of their upbringing. Anxious attachment also occurs when babies experience inconsistency with care. As adults they are obsessive, untrusting, demanding, and jealous. Love relationships for anxious adults are quick to passion, but become upset easily if feelings are not returned. Other love relationship styles for anxious adults are fatuous love; falling head over heels in love without clearly knowing the individual or jumping at commitment with no other foundations, only to have a turbulent relationship. Also, making more of intimacy than is genuinely there; becoming possessive and jealous over time spent with others.
Through time, both short-term and long-term commitments are formed, which leads to a strong healthy relationship. For infants that received a cold, rejecting relationship with their caregivers, an avoidant attachment is gained as an adult. Avoidant attachment can develop into passion, romantic love, and fatuous love, or even companionate love. Avoidant adults are less likely to make the commitments necessary for a long-term relationship; wanting to maintain their own independence. Behaviors of an avoidant adult are very emotional and sex without love is not unusual (Bolt, 2004). Trust issues are also experienced with avoidant adults because of the inconsistency of their upbringing. Anxious attachment also occurs when babies experience inconsistency with care. As adults they are obsessive, untrusting, demanding, and jealous. Love relationships for anxious adults are quick to passion, but become upset easily if feelings are not returned. Other love relationship styles for anxious adults are fatuous love; falling head over heels in love without clearly knowing the individual or jumping at commitment with no other foundations, only to have a turbulent relationship. Also, making more of intimacy than is genuinely there; becoming possessive and jealous over time spent with others.
This is not to say because someone was raised by a cold and
distant or ambivalent and inconsistent parent or caregiver, there can never be
a long-lasting consummate love relationship.
Furthermore, just because an infant is raised in a warm and loving home does
not mean he or she will never have relational difficulties. Challenges in a relationship occur even in
the healthiest of love relationships. Knowing
how relationship styles are acquired can help someone that may be looking for a
love relationship, finds him or herself in an interpersonal relationship that
struggles, or just wants a way to foster change in a relationship. Assessing what elements may be needed to
obtain a more secure attachment style is beneficial for any relationship. Because each relationship is different, each
couple will need to find their own correct mixture of the key components to
fulfill their happily ever after.
Remember, overcoming difficulties in a loving relationship reinforces
the bonds of attachment and nurtures passion, intimacy, and commitment.
