The following is a situation that caused a misunderstanding and
almost ended a marriage. Terry and Anna
had been married for three years and continued to drift farther and farther
apart. Terry had been spending more time
at the office, leaving early and not coming home until late. Anna tired of coming home to an empty house
and eating her meals alone would try to talk with Terry about the issues;
meanwhile, Terry would never say a word, driving the wedge between them even deeper. The lack of communication was taking its toll
on them both. One day Anna told Terry
that she had had enough, if he wanted to be alone then she would move into
another part of the house they shared; with that, she moved her things. This situation is played out in hundreds if
not thousands of American households every day.
Both Terry and Anna viewing their situation from only one perspective,
lacking the one piece of information needed; that of the other person. Several months later, Terry finally came to
Anna and told her that his business has been struggling, and he may have to lay
off all his employees and close the doors.
Armed with this new information, Anna began to understand why
Terry was spending all his time at the office.
Spending his days trying to acquire new business or to change what he
was currently doing to save his business.
Possessing this additional information Anna was able look at their
situation differently. Terry was not
trying to avoid spending time with her out of malice but out of apprehension and
fear. Fear that she would think less of
him as a man, fear that she would leave him because he was a failure. When, in fact, he had created a
self-fulfilling destiny buy not communicating his situation. What Terry feared the most he had created;
but for different reasons then he imagined.
Anna, after trying so hard to have Terry talk to her and to involve her
in his life stopped trying when she moved into the other room. Terry believed that Anna stopped loving him,
when all she wanted was to spend more time with him and to be a part of his
life. After Terry relayed his
information about his business, Anna shared with him her fears that he was
going to leave her. This information
made him realize Anna was not criticizing him by continued to approach him
about his time, she was trying to share in his experiences and daily concerns;
to stay connected through intimacy.
While religious differences can create added stressors to any
situation the same can be said for different views in cultural and personal
beliefs. A failure to understand the
customs and history of another person could greatly affect the outcome of this
situation. Different cultures and
personal beliefs can appear as a lack of empathy for the other person rather
than a lack of understanding. Jumping to
a wrong conclusion would be easy when there are misunderstandings or lack of
communication. For the person who is
always giving in and making concessions to mitigate problems it may feel like
the other person has no compassion; enduring relationships are equitable, each
person willing and able to concede or forgive for the others benefit. Religiously speaking, the Bible states in First
Corinthians 7:28 “…those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I
want to spare you this” (NIV, 1985, p. 1784).
With that understanding, those who marry should prepare for marital
strife. The Bible also instructs to love
and respect one another. When there is a
failure to understand this, troubles begin; Terry too prideful to let Anna know
he was having struggles and Anna allowing bitterness to cloud her judgment. Without the promise or commitment to stay
together Terry and Anna’s marriage may have been torn asunder. However, their beliefs that God would prevail
helped them to stay committed. According
to Bolt (2004) “Committed people seem to respond with greater self-restraint
when provoked by their partner and to show greater willingness to sacrifice
self-interest for the good of the relationship” (p. 38). Without this belief they may not have
persevered through this difficult situation.
Other factors that can influence perception of an event are
personality, mood, or situation. If
either Anna or Terry had a different personality this situation could have
progressed in a different manner. An
adaptive personality by Anna would have resulted in her never trying to change
her situation. A selective personality
could have resulted in a divorce. Approaching
Terry and Anna’s situation requires a heightened level of emotional
intelligence: perception and expression, facilitation of thought, understanding,
and management (Bolt, 2004, p. 83-84). If
either could not recognize the fear or pain their situation was causing they
may have proceeded without empathy or care.
By not allowing emotions to rule the decisions made, but harnessing the
more effective problem-solving and decision-making capabilities they could
think more creatively about their issues.
Someone without the ability to control his or her moods would have a
difficult time interpreting them to others.
While personality and mood should be taken into consideration so too
should the situation itself; it is either acceptable or not acceptable. Deciding to accept the situation as it is,
change it so that it is acceptable, or to move on as a way to eliminate the
current situation are the choices that can be made. Regardless of whose interests are viewed
personality type, mood, or the situation itself can affect the way it is interpreted.
Every event has more than one perspective when taking into
consideration others involved, religion, culture, personal beliefs, mood,
personality, and the situation itself.
Any new piece of information or layer to the situation has the
capability of changing how it is perceived.
To Anna, Terry seemed to be distant and aloof; however, when she learned
that he was having difficulties at the office her perception changed and she
realized he was apprehensive and fearful of his situation. Terry thought Anna uncaring and bitter, only
to learn she was expressing intimacy and concern. The situation could have been perceived
differently had they not shared in the comfort of their religion, or had
different cultural or personal beliefs; each relying on their own background as
a reference on how to cope with their situation. Learning to acknowledge and express emotions
helps to look effectively at situations from different perspectives. While personality style and mood also change
situations, each person must assess his or her own situation after considering
all aspects associated with the issue. When
difficult situations arise, perhaps looking at it from a modified perspective
can make the difference to produce a more positive outcome.
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