Attachment Style and Relationships

As part of my relationship study and struggles I'd like to reflect on a paper that I wrote regarding Attachment Style and Relationships (2011, May 08).

Part I: The three dimensions of love.

It is my belief that every relationship requires a balance of security, trust, and commitment.  According to Sternberg’s model of love (1988), love requires a combination of ‘passion, intimacy, and commitment’ (Bolt, 2004, p. 30).  Love has seven stages that most people shift to throughout a relationship, these stages consist of the three basic dimensions of love and four subtypes.  The basic dimensions are passion, which is the infatuation stage of a relationship, intimacy the liking, and commitment is the promise that each partner makes to the other to remain together.   As the three basic dimensions of love are combined there is achieved various subtypes of a love relationship: romantic love, fatuous love, companionate love, and the one everyone strives for consummate love.  Each partner contributes to these variations in whole or in part during a relationship; how much of each dimension he or she contributes moves the relationship to the various stages of love.

To identify any specific type of love relationship will depend on the mixture of the basic dimensions of love present.  As most relationships start, intimacy will be identified as the liking stage.  According to Bolt (2004), “Intimacy is an essential element of a loving relationship” it begins slowly and builds through the disclosure reciprocity effect (p. 36).  Plainly stated; the sharing of intimate details of one’s life, hopes, and dreams.  This is not to suggest that relationships cannot also begin with only passion or commitment.  For passion only relationships, it is known as the infatuation stage, for commitment only, empty love.  When proximity and contact are maintained passion is added to intimacy to form romantic love, or combining passion and commitment will provide a fatuous love.  Romantic love is that powerful yearning to be with someone; causing feelings of profound happiness when returned or intense grief when not returned.  Fatuous love is considered to be more of an impetuous love, happening fast and without thought.  When intimacy is combined with commitment a companionate love will form.  Not all relationships have passion; but in its absence, a mutual affection toward each other and commitment keep a relationship together.  Regardless of the type of commitment that one has (personal, moral, or constraint) relational satisfaction will vary depending on how the equity invested into the relationship is perceived.

Finally, the goal that each person strives for is to achieve a consummate love.  A love that has the three basic dimensions combined: intimacy, passion, and commitment.  What makes the consummate love relationship work is that all the key elements are reciprocated equally.  With intimacy and the desires to learn, grow, and share with each other, continuing to make the fires of passion flame through touching and play, and the knowledge that each partner is committed to the longevity of their relationship all combine to form that consummate love relationship. 

Part II: How attachment style affects types of love relationships.

Attachment styles are a learned trait infants acquire from the earliest contacts with their parents or caregivers: secure, avoidant, or anxious.  Humans in general are by nature social creatures; dependent on one another for the fulfillment of their basic needs of survival, procreation, and social connections (Bolt, 2004).  Because infants depend solely on caregivers to fulfill their basic needs, one of the three attachment styles develops depending on how the interactions transpire: warm and responsive, cold and rejecting, or ambivalent and inconsistent.  These interactions greatly affect how children perceive their social world and form emotional relationships throughout their lifetime.  Attachment itself has three key components: closeness, care, and commitment.  Both infants and adults desire a close physical connection; this allows the bonds of attachment to be made.  According to Bolt (2004), from closeness and proximity care is developed, “including both comfort and emotional support” (p. 25).  With extended time in a close, caring, and committed environment a sense of safety and security develops.  Long-term commitments are critical for developing mature loving relationships as adults.

Determining the type of love relationship an adult will have directly relates to the type of relationship that was nurtured as a child.  From birth, babies instinctually seek out relationships that are close, caring, and committed whereas an adult seeks out passion, intimacy, and commitment.  Looking at both child and adult relationship components, they are virtually the same, except passion not only indicates closeness, but a sexual element that encourages procreation.  Relationship styles are shaped by one’s parent and partner and directly reflect how well these components were learned.  A child who received warm and responsive care from his or her parent or caregiver is likely to develop a secure attachment style and therefore will be open to developing a secure or consummate love relationship.  Feeling comfortable with close relationships, physical touch, talking intimately with others, and able to make and receive the commitments necessary for a long-term relationship.  Passion’s created by physical closeness often will consume the relationship initially.  As this closeness increases, intimacy is developed through the reciprocity of sharing and caring about the partner’s well-being. 

Through time, both short-term and long-term commitments are formed, which leads to a strong healthy relationship.  For infants that received a cold, rejecting relationship with their caregivers, an avoidant attachment is gained as an adult.  Avoidant attachment can develop into passion, romantic love, and fatuous love, or even companionate love.  Avoidant adults are less likely to make the commitments necessary for a long-term relationship; wanting to maintain their own independence.  Behaviors of an avoidant adult are very emotional and sex without love is not unusual (Bolt, 2004).  Trust issues are also experienced with avoidant adults because of the inconsistency of their upbringing.  Anxious attachment also occurs when babies experience inconsistency with care.  As adults they are obsessive, untrusting, demanding, and jealous.  Love relationships for anxious adults are quick to passion, but become upset easily if feelings are not returned.  Other love relationship styles for anxious adults are fatuous love; falling head over heels in love without clearly knowing the individual or jumping at commitment with no other foundations, only to have a turbulent relationship.  Also, making more of intimacy than is genuinely there; becoming possessive and jealous over time spent with others.  

This is not to say because someone was raised by a cold and distant or ambivalent and inconsistent parent or caregiver, there can never be a long-lasting consummate love relationship.  Furthermore, just because an infant is raised in a warm and loving home does not mean he or she will never have relational difficulties.  Challenges in a relationship occur even in the healthiest of love relationships.  Knowing how relationship styles are acquired can help someone that may be looking for a love relationship, finds him or herself in an interpersonal relationship that struggles, or just wants a way to foster change in a relationship.  Assessing what elements may be needed to obtain a more secure attachment style is beneficial for any relationship.  Because each relationship is different, each couple will need to find their own correct mixture of the key components to fulfill their happily ever after.  Remember, overcoming difficulties in a loving relationship reinforces the bonds of attachment and nurtures passion, intimacy, and commitment.      

Reference

Bolt, M. (2004). Pursuing human strengths: A positive psychology guide. Retrieved from PSY/220 Website

Ethnic Groups and Discrimination

Since my last blog in June 2011 I have graduated from the University of Phoenix with an Associates Degree in Psychology.  Keeping in line with my past blogs I have decided to post some of my work beginning with my own history (maternal) followed by some of my other essays from various classes.  I hope that in doing so, it will help others to strive for the achievement that I have obtained.  I hope you enjoy the following:

Ethnic Groups and Discrimination

After researching family birth and death certificates on the maternal side of my family, it has been discovered that I am the daughter of a Swedish-American descendant.  My great- grandfather was born in Jokkmokk, Sweden in 1898.  Conditions in Sweden along with the economic opportunities in the United States were creating the push pull effect that had many Swedish families immigrating at that time (Blanck, 2009; Quigley, 1972).  According to Swedish historical records, from the “seventies through 1908’’ the push to emigrate was due in part to agriculture difficulties; however, the industrial pull from America played an ever bigger role (Quigley, 1972, p. 113).  As employment opportunities for my great-great-grandfather decreased in Sweden, the decision to emigrate to the United States, were there was economic prosperity, was made (p. 114).  In 1903 together with his wife and two small children, my relatives boarded one of many ships headed toward their new destination; the United States.  My great-grandfather was only four when he arrived in the United States.

The family quickly became residence of a large Swedish-American community in Seattle, Washington.  According to Blank (2009), of all Swedish-Americans in the United States almost 10% lived along the West Coast with the majority of them growing up in the Seattle-Tacoma area (para. 9).  Living in a predominantly Swedish community offered access to social, cultural, and religious acceptance.  Blank also found “The largest organizations were the various religious denominations founded by Swedish immigrants in the United States” (Blank, 2009, para. 12).  Over the last century my family has been with the Lutheran Church.  According to Steven Bean, Archives Specialist (1993) “The Augustana Evangelical Lutheran Church embodied and expressed a Lutheran tradition in America that originated in Sweden” (Bean, 1993, para. 1).   I remember the day my grandparents had my brother and I was baptized in the Lutheran Church.  They were so proud.  Although Swedish Americans formed large communities to provide more access to cultural and religious freedoms, it appears Swedish immigrants were treated with prejudice and racism only while in Sweden.  Once in the United States a pluralist attitude was experienced by new immigrants from existing Americans and Swedish-Americans.  This in part may have been because most Swedish immigrants where white, literate, educated, and filled needed work roles.  According to Schaefer (2006) subordinate minority groups have five characteristics that make them targets for prejudice and racism, one is “Members of a minority group share physical or cultural characteristics that distinguish them from the dominant group, such as skin color or language” (p. 6).  It appears the similarities in color and need fulfillment helped to create acceptance for Swedish immigrants and the Swedish-American culture.

On October 7, 1911 my great-great-grandfather became a citizen of the United Stated through naturalization.  Upon his naturalization the entire family became citizens.  Today women must obtain their own naturalization; however, prior to 1922 women and children became citizens upon their husbands and fathers naturalization, known as derivative citizenship (Lenzen, 2002).  In 1915 my great-grandfather was married to an American woman and in 1917 he joined the American forces in World War I.  My grandfather was born the following year.  It is not clear whether my family was directly affected by cultural prejudices; however, records indicate the family had their last name changed in 1919 to one that was more Americanized.  Because Swedish-Americans were taken into the fold of mainstream American and they came from a country that was based heavily on prejudice and discrimination, I can only imagine they also participated in some form of discrimination in America.  Swedish immigrants came to America to fill needed positions in the marketplace.  For those immigrating to fulfill agricultural roles or considered low skilled workers, many were placed in dual labor market situations.  Without consideration for standards of living, workers are paid less than standard wages or even under the table.  Affirmative action policies have helped in the fight for equal rights by all to have access to equal employment, jobs, and education.  Having the opportunity to be educated in Seattle, Washington my great-grandfather was an engineer in the United States Marine Corp.  In May 1924 he was transferred and moved the entire family to California; where they lived until I was a young girl.  My grandfather also went to school and became an engineer.  With the advent of World War II he joined the Coast Guard, along with many men of other American ethnic cultures and was off to war.  He was aboard the U.S.S. SAN PEDRO (PF-37) and earned his stars for battles and rescues in the South Pacific (U.S. Coast Guard, n.d.).  In 1943, while on shore leave my grandfather, like so many other young soldiers during the war, met a woman and married.  My mother was born in 1945.

This is the first time I have looked at my maternal genealogy in quite this way.  Although Swedish-American heritage is part of my life I do not think, as an ethnic group, we had as many struggles to be a part of the United States mainstream culture as many other ethnic groups did.  What remains today of Swedish-American customs are faith, food, family, and holiday traditions.  I can identify with both my Swedish ancestor’s and why they wanted to come to America as well as my American ancestry.  I also believe that by possessing the ability to maintain homeland customs and to blend those traditions into an everyday routine of the American lifestyle, Swedish-Americans have added to the melting pot that is mainstream American culture.

References:

Bean, S. E. (1993, February). Augustana Synod. Retrieved from http://www.elca.org/Who-We-Are/History/ELCA-Archives/ELCA-Family-Tree/Augustana-Synod.aspx

Blanck, D. (2009, Fall). Swedish Immigration to North America. Retrieved from http://www.augustana.edu/x14897.xml

Lenzen, L. (2002, 2009). Searching for Multnomah County, Oregon Naturalization Files. Retrieved from http://www.lenzenresearch.com/multnat.html

Quigley, J. M. (1972, February 1). An Economic Model of Swedish Emigration. Quarterly Journal of Economics, Vol. 86(Issue 1), p. 111-118. Retrieved from http://ehis.ebscohost.com/eds/pdfviewer/pdfviewer?sid=2cc2ac30-e6ab-4ec1-b73d-813d73f29885%40sessionmgr13&vid=8&hid=109

Schaefer, R. T. (2006). Racial and Ethnic Groups, Tenth Edition. Retrieved from ETH/125 Website

U.S. Coast Guard. (n.d.). USS San Pedro. Retrieved from http://www.uscg.mil/history/webcutters/PF37_San_Pedro.pdf

Time fly's: living life and death

Time fly's, it has been almost a year since I have added anything to this blog. Let's see if I can catch up with what's taken place. I completed my first year in college, no longer a freshman I have a 3.84 GPA. I enjoy school and I am learning so many things about not only myself, but about different cultures from around the world. In January, I was laid-off; as were quite-a-few others, due to the current state of our economy. Although I have been looking for work, I spend most of my day's dedicated to my studies and filling out job applications. As I'm sure thousands of others are doing also.

Other happenings this year:

My father died in March. He was alone, suffering from COPD and malnutrition. He had remarried, again, but his wife was not with him when he died. I feel sorry for her, it appears that my father never told her about his many wives and children. She only knew of me and my daughter, by name, we had never met. Upon hearing that my father was truly dead, I wept. Wept for the lose of a man who never knew me. Wept for a man whose entire life was spent in a shallow, self-absorbed manner. I wept for the father I never knew and for the little children in myself and my siblings who suffered under his care. Having forgiven him years ago, I wept for the man who will never see paradise, but burn in hell for all eternity.

On a happier note:

I spend more time with my daughter, either on the phone or going to visit. It is a great joy for me to watch her as a young woman, so full of life and putting herself through school while working full time. How she can manage everything and raise little Cat is impressive to watch. She is so loving and compassionate with her.  Cat is an amazing little girl. So bright and cheerful. I love when she calls me on the phone to let me know what she's been doing at school or to sing me a new song shes learned. They all grow up so fast.

As time fly's by, I pray for continued health and happiness for my family.  Continued success in my own academic achievements and that I find a job that will allow me to be useful and productive. I also pray that our world find its compassion for one another and turn back to the Lord for guidance and healing.  For all of this I pray, Amen.

 

Growing Up vs. Growing Old

So today is my birthday. I am celebrating the 20th anniversary of my 26th birthday. To tell you the truth I don't remember feeling like this when I was 26. I had a bit more of a bounce in bubble when I first turned 26. Now I have a hitch in my get-a-long. I think some yoga is in order. Yep, yoga.. that thing the old people are doing so they don't hurt them-selves. Nice long stretches that's it, just what I need to be doing. Staying 26 has done nothing for my body, but it has done wonders for my attitude.

I had a salad for lunch, look out I'm going to get wild, tonight I'm going out for sandwich and soup for dinner. I'm just not that wild and crazy chick I once was 20 years ago. I can tell you however, I like myself. I am a wonderful person. I am kind, caring and passionate. I can work without having to overwork and feel like if I don't finish something now now now that the world will end. Because you know what? It won't. I have pride in what I do, but what I do is not what defines me.

Who I am is what defines me, and today I am a 46 year old woman, I am an Omah and I am also a College Student eager to learn new things. I love to travel and I am full of life and happiness. It is good to be alive and loved. So HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! 

Family

Family, everybody has them. You cannot control who they are or which family you will be given. I consider myself lucky, I survived my childhood families and in the process I made a wonderful family from it. A daughter who is grown and beautiful both inside and out. She is currently raising her daughter who is feisty and curious about the world, eager and full of life and such a joy. I am remarried to a giving man who puts everything he is into all that he does. I have a great job and work with kind compassionate people. I found a church that I can relate to and where I feel the Lord speaks to my heart and I have friends that I can open up to that help me with my struggles. I am truly blessed.

As you have probably already guessed, it has not always been this way. I have had several different family settings and I would say that in each there has been dysfunction. Let me explain dysfunction for you as unsettled, unhealthy, stressful or a situation where another person is inflicting mental, physical or sexual duress upon you and or others around you. Yeah, dysfunction.

I plan on posting over a period of time more on growing up with adversity and overcoming the challenges. First Loves and heart breaks. Children and mistakes that we make. Forgiveness. Trust. Remarriage and more heartbreak. Opening up to the Lord. Growing old or growing up.

I am in hopes that this is a refreshing learning experience for me. Lets have fun.